spending thanksgiving in the NICU

This morning after a doctor's appointment for myself, Doug and I visited Ian. It is so cold in there, and he has no clothes on. They had him all wrapped up (not swaddled though) in a blanket. His head was facing away from us. His eyes were loosely covered with some white felt.

Because of all of this, he looked like a small bundle of covers. We couldn't see his tiny face without standing up and lurching over him. This shortened our visit.

Upon arrival to Ian's pod in the NICU, we were able to speak with his attending physician briefly. The doctor said that Ian was not progressing as quickly as he would like. He mentioned doing some other things to adjust his treatment, like weaning him off of some of the IV fluids he's on... using a steroid as a last result.

As we sat at our son's bedside, one of the Chaplains came over and introduced herself. Then she asked a lot of questions about Ian and his condition. She asked about our lives, any other children we might have and our support system. Then she prayed for us. In her prayer she mentioned a lot of the things that I had been praying about, particularly being able to feel God's presence during this difficult time.

Doug tried to get ahold of the doctor because he had additional questions, but he was busy and didn't know when he'd be able to come back down. We took this as a sign that it wasn't yet time to ask him some of our burning questions. Maybe we needed to wait some more. This whole circumstance has been a lot of waiting and seeing. God seemed to have other plans, because as we were about to walk out of the NICU unit, the doctor emerged and he and Doug went to talk.

From their conversation, this is what I've gathered: Ian will most definitely NOT be home for Thanksgiving, which is what I was hoping for. *sad face* On a lighter note, the doctor feels confident that Ian doesn't have any of the genetic issues (like CHARGE syndrome) that they were thinking he had in utero. Also, he feels that maybe he didn't transition at birth because he may have breathed in some meconium while he was in my belly. They don't think that my labor or c-section delivery were the primary factors in causing his breathing issue, which was a big worry for me (not that I could go back and change it).

I'm starting to make a tiny bit of peace with the fact that I won't have much time with Ian prior to returning to work in January--if at all. The truth is that I need this break at home regardless. Work stress has sucked the life out of me, and I need to heal, regroup and refocus. It's time to get back in touch with  God, my family, and with myself to discover what I am truly supposed to be doing in my life, for my career. I think what I'm doing now is the wrong answer, and I just do it for my family and my love of people.