Window Seat

Sometimes I look back at my life and wish I was still 17. Life was so simple back then. I wasn't very involved with the details of my care as my parents handled everything. As long as I abided by (or to the best of their knowledge) the copious rules they had set forth for me, I was pretty carefree. I had worries then, but they were small looking back. Concerns about who my next boyfriend will be or frustrations with strict parents are so, so small compared to the issues I've faced in the nearly 13 years since I was 17. Thirty and responsible adulthood snuck up on me so fast... I didn't see them coming.

Not much has changed. God took care of me then, and continues to cover me. The difference is that I'm much more in involved in the tangible logistics now. Along with that comes increased potential for stress, but  it doesn't have to take over. It's funny how, often times, the elements I wanted most and chose--husband and children--yield the most stress. It doesn't have to be that way, but I feel like I have to 100 percent shoulder the responsibility for everyone. One of my pastors when I was in college laughed at me one day when I said I was really "busy". Now that I'm older and have a family of my own, I can begin to guess some of the things that might have been going through his head when I said that.

I would tell that 17 year old girl to hold on to that life and cherish it, that she could never get back there. I would encourage the college student to stop chasing relationships and to find her passions and see the world, that there would come a day when she felt near-paralyzed and landlocked, that if she continued the path she was on, she would be facing her 30th birthday confused about who she was and somewhat dissatisfied with life. 

That's what I would tell her. She never got to hear my message, so here I am. I turn 30 on Sunday (March 2). I've been married to my husband for 3 years. I have two beautiful small children. I left my first job in December, and I start my second full-time job in a little over a week...which will require leaving Virginia again, and for the family to be split up for a little while, and that's scary.

I'm not following my passions or following my dreams, not really. I did choose this career. And I'm finally entering a position that I think will suit me. I'm suspended between my old self and who I'm supposed to be. I don't know who this Crystal is, and I've been saying that a lot. I literally haven't sat down with myself in a long time for an interview. I've neglected my introverted self and not allowed processing time. Things have happened so quickly in my life over the past 5 years and I haven't debriefed any of it--an unexpected pregnancy and single motherhood of an amazing girl, becoming a wife, being a mother of a baby in the NICU, and now of an awesome baby boy with special needs.

God has kept me through it all, but I've missed the crucial reflection component. Instead of integrating these experiences with myself, I've just trudged through,--forged strength, kept my head up--no time for introspection. I'm not living that cycle anymore. That stops now. From here on out, I will take the time for myself! especially the quiet time and the writing time that I need so desperately to not engage others but to just be "me" (whoever she is) in the space in my mind. 

Maybe that along with prayer can help me to not be a raging, insecure shell of my former self. I've noticed that over the past few years, my negative qualities and my anxiety have been amplified. It's time to reverse the cycle. It's also time for me to eat and exercise like I care about my life and being around for my family.

I want to be the best wife and mom I can be. In order to do that I have to carve out some time to make sure I'm ok, instead of walking around crazy and bleeding emotions all over the place from life's hurts and disappointments. Loved ones tell me I'm strong, but I've been ignoring my wounds and this negligence will destroy me.

So, at 29, I will tell my 30-year-old self to enjoy life to the fullest and to ALWAYS make time for God,  herself and to NEVER stop writing. You're young and your best and brightest days are still ahead of you. Make the  most of them. Love hard. Laugh hard. Follow your dreams with this newfound clarity.

Writer's Block of My Life

For several years now, I have been unable to successfully fall back into a rhythm of writing on a regular basis, be it via blog or bedside journal. I used to carry a notebook and pens with me EVERYWHERE I went so that I could document any noteworthy developments or simply jot my musings at the time. In my early 20s there certainly were a lot of musings!

For the past year or so I've been trying to analyze my seeming avoidance of writing to reverse the writer's block. It feels like the block is a coping mechanism, a wall that I have built around my heart.  I used to frequently share my victories and distresses (no matter how big or small) with my loved ones via blogs (and of course conversations for the especially close, bunch) but I haven't been. What's on my mind, in my heart? Most of the time I don't know, myself. Perhaps the one I am most concerned with keeping out is me. I'm afraid to confront my raw heart, to excavate and lay it bare in front of Jesus. I mean, of course He knows what's in there. After being shut for so long, I have no idea what will come out as I unpack.

Please withhold judgment as my thoughts and feelings are my own. I promise to do my best to keep the private matters of other people--just that--"private". My intent has never been to hurt anyone through the course of digesting the details of my life. The fact is that many of you are on my mind and in my heart constantly. I am thinking of you and wanting the best for you. If you're hurt and I know about it, I'm going to be hurt too. Likewise, when you rejoice in life's blessings, I also rejoice with you.