Quick update

I started the new job on March 13. During that week and the following week, Doug and I found a house to buy and went under contract just before he guys headed back to Virginia. 

The students and my coworkers at my new job are great. I love that I work 8 to 5 on weekdays. The challenge is waking up early and getting Nia and myself ready, then dropping her off and still being on time. I go the extra mile to give myself time to do everything I need to do in the morning without being rushed on the road, and that has gone well so far. The world doesn't need an additional depraved driver on the road during morning rush hour. 

Nia is doing well in school, though having Daddy and Brother not around has clearly been an adjustment for her. We have had some trials, but seem to be on the same page. Apparently she is an angel at school, a leader and a role model. I'm like, "Whose baby is this?", but very proud of her.

We've both missed Doug and Ian a lot. With all of the various steps that go along with being under contract to purchase a house, learning a new job, adjusting to living with my parents again... But as a mom. It's just been a lot. I am tired most of the time. Once I have bathed and fed Nia, I get to bed as early as I can. The daily race begins again at 8 a.m At least work is not stressful, but I suppose it will be once the last-minute students come to the office for advisement next week DURING registration. It's just the nature of things, there will always be stragglers. 

But for this week, the family is reunited in Virginia, primarily because Nia and I are homeless this week with my parents renting heir house for the Masters Tournament. I'm thankful for an excuse to take this week to visit the guys. One would not usually take such a lengthy break within heir first month of employment at a new job. I don't like being split between states. There are so many things that need to be done. I hoped to get some packing done while I'm here, but that may be unrealistic since Ian doesn't have a nurse this week and I have to contend with Nia all day as well... Plus Ian has at least two appointments this week.

Being around the children all day, I've been in my mind a lot, which I'm sure will produce more blog entries before the week is up.

As a side quest, I've been trying to figure out what to do with my natural, type 4c hair. Also, I've somewhat begun a new business venture. Once that is officially set up, I will definitely talk about it. I'm also trying to get myself together. My lack of motivation is a problem, but I don't know what to do about it. I notice that I spend a lot of time kicking myself for things I should have done differently in moments that have passed. Unfortunately, this results in a lot of looking back without looking forward. I will write more about that later.

Pause

I just. Need. A moment. A moment to gather all of my thoughts, emotions, feelings and process them all... To categorize things as good or bad or indifferent, to be inside of my own head. Right now, everything is a jumbled mess, and I have been on edge since we got to Augusta less than 24 hours ago and moved into my parents home, I spent my high school years here, but this is a new house. It's still very foreign and just establishing itself as a home for me.

We hit the ground running. Drove 8 hours in separate cars, my husband driving Vanity (our van) with the stuff Nia and I need for the next few months and both children riding with me in Carmen (our car). From then we immediately turned our focus to  the search for our first home, so much that the reality of even being here hasn't sunk in for me. In a little over 24 hours I will be returning to full-time work. How do I even feel about that? I've spent the past 3 months at home with my children and I've gotten to know them so much better. Who would want to leave that? Not necessarily me. People (other women) seem to feel like I should have been restless and bored by now, but that wasn't the case. My only complaint was that it meant we were living off savings.. And I wish I had befriended other stay at home moms so I felt like part of a community. By the beginning of 2012, all sense of community for us in Virginia had (quite literally) moved away. We never managed to get it back. I am excited to have a fresh start in a revisited place.

There will still remain the need to put ourselves out here and build community here, but at least my parents and family friends (family) are here. That warms my heart. Also, most of my close friends and one of my sisters are all just two hours away in Atlanta. Sometimes I wish all my loved ones would just move within a 4-hour radius of wherever we are! That's selfish I know, but I've always placed value in being near them. I used to spend my breaks in college visiting family that was within driving distance, which had me all over the southeastern part of the country.

It makes me sad that while moving to GA places me with my parents, we are much farther from my family in New Jersey. I hope we can figure out how to see each other. It's been nearly 4 years since I saw my older-younger sister and my parents in New Orleans because we couldn't afford to get down there. I've already started trying to figure out when we can get down there in the next few months. I miss them so much.

Switching gears, I am definitely anxious about getting back to work, the working mother grind really. Staying home with the children, I was able to do a lot more for them. I had the energy to be with them... at least most of the time. I hope I can keep it up. I don't plan to work any less hard. in fact, I plan to work even harder this time around. Hopefully the family-friendly hours will make the balancing act less difficult. 

I guess I'm excited. Yeah...I'm excited...and we might be buying a house soon too.

Window Seat

Sometimes I look back at my life and wish I was still 17. Life was so simple back then. I wasn't very involved with the details of my care as my parents handled everything. As long as I abided by (or to the best of their knowledge) the copious rules they had set forth for me, I was pretty carefree. I had worries then, but they were small looking back. Concerns about who my next boyfriend will be or frustrations with strict parents are so, so small compared to the issues I've faced in the nearly 13 years since I was 17. Thirty and responsible adulthood snuck up on me so fast... I didn't see them coming.

Not much has changed. God took care of me then, and continues to cover me. The difference is that I'm much more in involved in the tangible logistics now. Along with that comes increased potential for stress, but  it doesn't have to take over. It's funny how, often times, the elements I wanted most and chose--husband and children--yield the most stress. It doesn't have to be that way, but I feel like I have to 100 percent shoulder the responsibility for everyone. One of my pastors when I was in college laughed at me one day when I said I was really "busy". Now that I'm older and have a family of my own, I can begin to guess some of the things that might have been going through his head when I said that.

I would tell that 17 year old girl to hold on to that life and cherish it, that she could never get back there. I would encourage the college student to stop chasing relationships and to find her passions and see the world, that there would come a day when she felt near-paralyzed and landlocked, that if she continued the path she was on, she would be facing her 30th birthday confused about who she was and somewhat dissatisfied with life. 

That's what I would tell her. She never got to hear my message, so here I am. I turn 30 on Sunday (March 2). I've been married to my husband for 3 years. I have two beautiful small children. I left my first job in December, and I start my second full-time job in a little over a week...which will require leaving Virginia again, and for the family to be split up for a little while, and that's scary.

I'm not following my passions or following my dreams, not really. I did choose this career. And I'm finally entering a position that I think will suit me. I'm suspended between my old self and who I'm supposed to be. I don't know who this Crystal is, and I've been saying that a lot. I literally haven't sat down with myself in a long time for an interview. I've neglected my introverted self and not allowed processing time. Things have happened so quickly in my life over the past 5 years and I haven't debriefed any of it--an unexpected pregnancy and single motherhood of an amazing girl, becoming a wife, being a mother of a baby in the NICU, and now of an awesome baby boy with special needs.

God has kept me through it all, but I've missed the crucial reflection component. Instead of integrating these experiences with myself, I've just trudged through,--forged strength, kept my head up--no time for introspection. I'm not living that cycle anymore. That stops now. From here on out, I will take the time for myself! especially the quiet time and the writing time that I need so desperately to not engage others but to just be "me" (whoever she is) in the space in my mind. 

Maybe that along with prayer can help me to not be a raging, insecure shell of my former self. I've noticed that over the past few years, my negative qualities and my anxiety have been amplified. It's time to reverse the cycle. It's also time for me to eat and exercise like I care about my life and being around for my family.

I want to be the best wife and mom I can be. In order to do that I have to carve out some time to make sure I'm ok, instead of walking around crazy and bleeding emotions all over the place from life's hurts and disappointments. Loved ones tell me I'm strong, but I've been ignoring my wounds and this negligence will destroy me.

So, at 29, I will tell my 30-year-old self to enjoy life to the fullest and to ALWAYS make time for God,  herself and to NEVER stop writing. You're young and your best and brightest days are still ahead of you. Make the  most of them. Love hard. Laugh hard. Follow your dreams with this newfound clarity.

Writer's Block of My Life

For several years now, I have been unable to successfully fall back into a rhythm of writing on a regular basis, be it via blog or bedside journal. I used to carry a notebook and pens with me EVERYWHERE I went so that I could document any noteworthy developments or simply jot my musings at the time. In my early 20s there certainly were a lot of musings!

For the past year or so I've been trying to analyze my seeming avoidance of writing to reverse the writer's block. It feels like the block is a coping mechanism, a wall that I have built around my heart.  I used to frequently share my victories and distresses (no matter how big or small) with my loved ones via blogs (and of course conversations for the especially close, bunch) but I haven't been. What's on my mind, in my heart? Most of the time I don't know, myself. Perhaps the one I am most concerned with keeping out is me. I'm afraid to confront my raw heart, to excavate and lay it bare in front of Jesus. I mean, of course He knows what's in there. After being shut for so long, I have no idea what will come out as I unpack.

Please withhold judgment as my thoughts and feelings are my own. I promise to do my best to keep the private matters of other people--just that--"private". My intent has never been to hurt anyone through the course of digesting the details of my life. The fact is that many of you are on my mind and in my heart constantly. I am thinking of you and wanting the best for you. If you're hurt and I know about it, I'm going to be hurt too. Likewise, when you rejoice in life's blessings, I also rejoice with you.

I don't feel like I can really talk to anyone about anything without being misunderstood or told what to feel or not to feel or just talked over.

shell

Am I really a shell of my former self or is it that I've always just been nothing more than a shell? Only this time, unlike the others, I can't run away or avoid the things in my life that I must confront, the things I must deal with and work through to press on and move beyond this slump I've been in for what seems the past 20 years. 

My life is a mess, emotionally and physically and I'm out of options. I've decided to seek order in the best way that I've been taught, to seek God. It's not so much that my life is a mess as it is that I'm the mess. I don't know how to place one foot in front of the other or the direction in which I should go. Sometimes, I feel like my job is the only thing I'm good at... and that's only on days I feel like I'm doing a good job. Most days I feel worthless at work and at home, like why am I even here? What am I doing with my life? How did it all come to this? I am so lost.

The duffel

Here I am in the hospital with my son, the Children's Hospital to be exact. Ironically I have packed my Children's Healthcare of Atlanta duffel bag for my overnight stay. I bought it when I was like 21. Back then, life was so simple. I didn't know what I wanted to do career wise and it did not yet matter. I barely had anyone to answer to. I was responsible for my own coming and going.

It's hard to say if I ever even truly thought I would be a mom some day. Its safe to say that I never thought I would be a NICU mom.

Ian has Had RSV A few days now, which landed him in the hospital. I am sleeping over with him.