inherited strength

I called my mom earlier today, and she told me that she'd shared my blog with one of her coworkers. Of course this was perfectly fine with me. What she said after that was surprising to me.

She had no idea that we had already gone through so much with Ian before he was born and that she didn't think she would be able to handle something like this at my age. I didn't tell her on the phone, but  I was kind of shocked to hear her say that. I mean, she's always been encouraging in my life, but she's always been my shero. At my age, she had me and then proceeded to go through her own collection of life storms.

Mom has always been this mysterious (yet approachable and inviting) quiet pillar of strength in my life. She taught me that you don't run away from your problems. You don't just face them---you run THROUGH them, with God.

So that is how I handle my problems (sort of)... I charge AT them. Mom would also tell you that for most of my trials in my short life (or anything that was perceived as such before now). I would call her almost daily for every step of the way... for hurt feelings at work, trying to adjust to married life, being frustrated and bewildered by my chosen career path. She and I are very close.

I believe mom can tell that having my son in NICU has launched me into an entirely different facet of struggle. For me it is the Storm of the Century (or at least this decade), and I'm constantly being bombarded with the downpours of information, high winds of confusion and rushing waves of sadness.   I went from being super busy at work and still finding time to call mom every day to being not-busy, at home, missing my newborn son, not-having anything to do and not-calling mom.

Although I've historically word vomited my feelings to my mom, things  are just different now. There are times that she'll call and, although I see it, I don't answer immediately because I don't want to answer the phone mid-cry. A cry is just around every corner these days. Now that we are in week three of this saga, I've gotten better, more able to reach out--not just to her--but to other loved ones to provide updates on how Ian is doing and how we're making it.