Going through the motions

I just feel like an empty shell, daily going through the motions. I am torn between a duty to care for my husband and to give my daughter love and attention, while seeing my son as often as I can. Meanwhile, I am supposed to take care of myself too. I have not been sleeping or eating very well. "Rest" is a 4-letter word.

When I do take a time to notice myself beyond basic physiological needs, my itchy, thrush-ridden chest and slowly healing incision, I lunge fully forward into a personal attack. I'm not losing weight as quickly as I would like. My clothes hang off of me like rags. I only wear the handful of shirts and two pairs of pants that look the least bad on me. My diastastis recti has gained grown with a vengeance, and my organs will never return to their rightful places.

Smiles are few and far in between, unless directed at Fluff. Some days it just plain hurts to smile. I need to step away for a moment, but there is no escape. There is the obligation of bring there for my son while he is in a foreign place. When I don't call and check on him early enough in the day, I feel like a neglectful mom. When I visit early in the day and the security lady doesn't stamp my free parking card (so I'll have an opportunity to come back later the same day) I feel guilty that I didn't make the second trip to the hospital.

With so much stuff stacked against me, how can I be mom enough? I have only held my son twice during his nearly 4 weeks of life, and the second time I did he screamed (as much as newborn can) for the entire time.

One of the things eating me the most is the prospect of not having home bonding time with him before I have to go to work. How can I even resume work life effectively under all of this pressure? I am petrified of the probability that he may go directly from NICU to daycare.

I just feel like I'm at the bottom of a deep pool and everyone else is floating above me, on the surface--out of touch.