I have no idea how often I am "supposed" to be visiting Squish in the hospital, but I can tell you that I feel absolutely horrible when I miss a day. Doug and I actually decided when our NICU journey first began that we would take a least one day "off" each week from visiting, to mend ourselves.
I just want to sit at Squish's side all day and watch him sleep. Perhaps being there when I can makes me feel like a mom, his mom. I can barely do anything for him right now. Yesterday I clipped his fingernails and brushed his hair and felt accomplished. Sure I pump breastmilk to provide for him, but I long for the physical presence and care aspect of being a mother.
When WILL we get to have our bonding time? He will be a month old on Thursday, still in the NICU. At that point I probably will stil have only held him twice. I can't shake the sinking feeling that breastfeeding him is going to be a nightmare. I don't mean to be so negative, but this entire postpartum experience (on top of not bringing baby home) has already been a nightmare--especially exclusively pumping breastmilk.
Of course it would be wise to focus on God and proclaim that He will work everything out. I get caught up in the details. I mean, hello, I have to go back to work at some point here. That is an unavoidable fact. I wonder how we'll actually get to the nursing part of breastfeeding if I must return to work before he's home. It feels like he'll be walking and talking before he comes home to his mama. I know that's an irrational feeling, but why get my hopes up?
While studying psychology as an undergraduate I learned that beliefs can follow behavior. I forgot what this particular concept is called, but perhaps I could try acting as if everything will be ok eventually. Then I will truly believe that everything will be ok, and that God will continue to provide.
God has ALWAYS delivered. It is a shame that my actions and thoughts demonstrate my haste to believe in people (based on what they say) rather than what God has said and what he has specifically done in my life. There is no sense beating myself up about it, I know. It is merely time to change. Well not "merely" but DEFINITELY time to change.
My belief will follow my actions. I will strive to speak and act with positivity. Words and thoughts are SO powerful. As a man thinketh in his heart so is he (Proverbs 23:7). I grow stronger and my heart is reaffirmed with each uplifting word that someone speaks into our situation. Yesterday at my grandparents house, when my great aunt was getting ready to leave, she told me that she'd be praying for Ian. I told her that I hoped he would be home soon. She confidently proclaimed, "He will be." The way she said it, it seemed like it was as though Jesus had whispered it into her ear to tell me. I just got the sense that she was truly standing on God's promises. It made me feel warm and fuzzy.
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