Pumping milk exclusively has been the bain of my existence for the past seven weeks! I get away with only pumping 5 times a day, but it keeps me from getting the sleep I need. Pumping has dominated my days. It is a major daily chore for Doug, washing and sanitizing all 5 sets of my pump stuff daily. I am devoting much more energy to it than I would like to or even think is particularly healthy.
It's just kind of dominating our lives a bit more than nursing would if Ian were home. What sucks is that there doesn't seem to be an end to the around the clock pumping. The way things are shaping up, it is highly likely that Ian will never actually nurse at the breast. I could be pumping exclusively for 12 months! Remind me why I am doing this again?? I breastfed Nia for 13 months, and it was difficult, but AT LEAST I had the positive experience of bonding with her via nursing. It was very sweet.
What is the payoff here? Ian still has reflux despite the fact that he gets breast milk. I can't nurse him and maybe never will. My breasts HURT. I am still battling a nasty case of candida, despite the fact that I had a two week dose of "super" Diflucan. I am still pumping for two reasons: (1) I don't like to give up on things that I think are important (even if I can't really see or understand their importance in the moment) and (2) We seriously can't afford formula even if I was going to stop pumping.
Doug has been really supportive of whatever decision I make about continuing to provide breast milk for Ian. He hates seeing me hate it so much. Most of the time when I pump it hurts, so on days when it actually doesn't hurt I still do my little pumping "dance" where I stall and take forever to start the session and get it over with. I am presently stalling on a pump session that was supposed to begin at midnight because my breasts are very sore today. I don't know how much longer I can take this, especially with an absent son. I just resent all of this.
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