blockade

And all my armor falling down, in a pile at my feet
And my winter giving way to warmth, as I'm singing him to sleep

The above are lyrics from one of my artists, Fiona Apple from Tidal (1996). A few conversations I've had lately with my husband brought that song to mind when I was deciding how to write this particular entry.

When I'm under any significant level of stress (or duress, really) I engage my emotional and physical blockade. It's nearly impossible to get close enough to me where I can authentically let anyone in, even Doug. Well, as a result of work and life overall (especially with the pregnancy) being overwhelming, I was already kind of shut off and emotionally unavailable. Now that Ian is in NICU for the duration, I'm  truly in bad shape. I have practically drawn my head into my shell like a turtle. Please, let me know when the coast is clear.

As one could probably understand, this kind of reaction to stress is not healthy. It is especially unhealthy when considering a marriage. As a married couple, we are supposed to be one. So, when I shut down all avenues to my heart and block myself off from my husband, it's just bad business. I find myself running (or wanting to run away) from hugs and kisses. I have been like the kitty cat from the old Pepe Le Pew cartoons (not that my husband is anything like Pepe, lol). Like, I'll be ok as long as I'm just left in my own bubble to stew.

I realize that I can't continue to function like this. I have to let my husband in. Instead of withdrawing into myself I need to take care of him and allow him to take care of me while we both turn to God. It's just difficult for me to display true vulnerability. I've always said that I wear my heart on my sleeve, but I'm not sure that has been the case in my adult life.

Maybe being lonely for so many years prior to marrying and not learning to deal with that in a healthy way caused me to develop this hard shell as a coping mechanism for life? I don't back down from life. I just put on my self-made armor and blow through it.

This time, things are different. I have a met a trial that is well beyond the scope of my shoddy armor and coping mechanisms. If I don't reach outward and upward I am going to fall HARD. It looks like Ian will be in the NICU forever and not-returning to work is not an option. I have no idea when he'll be able to leave. One of my friends mentioned that she knew a baby personally that was in the same NICU for 10.5 months or so... until she was nearly a year old! I thought "Dear God, what if that is our situation?" I am not sure that is a situation that I could manage.

I mean I am freaking out about returning to work. There is no way I can get the 8 weeks of leave back that I was planning to spend home with Ian. I am having to use ALL of that time because I can't be cleared to return to work and because if I returned to work at the end of this 6 weeks (even though I had a c-section, our disability benefits only cover for 6 of the doctor-recommended 8 weeks) I would be a wreck. Work is already stressful enough without adding to it the NICU experience all while trying to make sure that Doug and Fluff are properly cared for... then having to pump at least 3 times while at work. This just really sucks. I am still experiencing anger, but I understand there is a point to all of this.

This experience is bringing my husband and I closer because it's unearthing unpleasant feelings and experiences from our lives prior to meeting each other. It's created a crisis and engaged a sort of spiritual "fight or flight" response in both of us. We are digging our heels in deep and fighting. Our main tools are prayer, conversation and reading the bible together. After something like this, we are not just going to go back to who we were. We can either be better or worse. We are striving to be better and drawer nearer to God in this time.