G tube

Tomorrow morning, Ian will have surgery to insert a gastrostomy tube (g tube) into his tummy so that we can ultimately feed him at home. His constant reflux continues to be a problem that would interfere with his breathing and nutrition. He will also be having a nissen procedure (google it if you want) done to hopefully reduce his reflux issues temporarily. This is not typically done on babies so young. Thankfully, both procedures are done laproscopically.

While I'm excited that there seems to be more of a timeline for when he's coming home, I grow more exhausted with this situation by the minute. The physicians are thinking that his reflux is a neurological issue. Daily I wonder just how many things are going to be hurled at us in regard to Ian and his health. No wonder so many people decide that one child is enough after safely making it through the process. I was a fool to think things would go so smoothly this time around.

One of the nurses made it seem like Doug and I were expected to be around for surgery tomorrow. However, we've given all of the consent, and any further consent can be done by phone if necessary. I just don't feel like there is anything we can do for Ian except pray (and his laundry). We can pray remotely. Otherwise, he is going to just be a drugged up baby, asleep and completely unaware of our presence post-op. It will do us no good to wait around in the hospital. It's not like it will give us a false sense of control.

I don't feel like I've truly been able to "see" him for the past few days. Over the weekend, he started getting fussy again. He stopped having comfortable oxygen saturation levels, so they put him back on the nasal cannula on the lowest setting. Additionally, they started him back on Ativan to sedate him... first every 12 hours, then up to every 8 hours. I didn't bother to ask today how often he was getting his dose.

He was asleep when we (Doug, Fluff, his godmother and I) visited tonight--asleep and tightly swaddled in a blanket I could see his face, calves and feet (as they were sticking out at the bottom of the blanket). I think he opened his eyes for a few minutes during yesterday's visit, but he was very much asleep today.

When he is asleep, I'm sure he doesn't know that I'm there. Maybe he is able to hear me at intervals, but why be there when I have so much other stuff going on, with having to pump milk every few hours and  taking care of Fluff?