29

Today was my 29th birthday, and I have to say it was the most mediocre one so far. I didn't leave the house. I didn't so much as get dressed today. The day ended with me feeling more trapped than I did before.

Going somewhere with Doug and the kids was not an option today. Ian's gtube and need to continuously feed, coupled with a nissen, is a major anchor on what was already a stagnant life that was sucking the breath out of me. These walls are closing in on me. I didn't have a friend to help me escape for a birthday lunch, no one to watch the kids so that Doug and I could step away for a moment. No one wants any parts of Ian and his medical needs. Hell, I don't want to be bothered with a gtube either but that's my current lot in parenthood.

Ian had a horrible day, in gastric terms. He threw up about 4 or 5 times today after spells of retching and gagging. It sucks that he can't just take a bottle like a regular baby. Spring is nigh. I want to be able to take him on walks like we rarely did with Fluff. We don't get out enough as it is, but now we really don't. If we're out and about, Ian is not eating. Then we'd be horrible parents for starving our infant son. How are we supposed to get out though? Should we all be weighted down like this? The obvious answer is no.

The fact is, I feel trapped a number of ways: trapped in VA, trapped in this body, trapped in my career that I went to grad school for but want to leave, trapped in my job that kinda sucks the life out of me and under utilizes my talents. Often times I even question if I am still talented. I used to be gifted, and smart... VERY smart. I threw it all away, for a road traveled often. I ignored career advice for the sake of landing a job after a brief job search that seemed like an eternity. I settled. I seem to have a track record of settling for things due to impatience or laziness. I can see that very clearly now. How many times have I spat in the very FACE of God's hands in my young life? How much have I missed out on? How much grander could things be for me now had I paused to lend him my heart and ear to heed what He intended for me, for my life?

Is this fullness? At 29 I feel so damn washed up and stuck. I'm like on a climbing wall, with no attachments or grooves to grab or footing to push off if to leverage myself to the next level. I want to rappel down this wall and try another because this one sucks.

Do you know that my beloved Granddad passed away when he was 99? Freaking 99. That means I could have 70 more years to go. I don't want to live them like this. Not everyone gets to do what they love. It was foolish for thinking that I needed to do something I absolutely loved. Maybe I should have done something that required me to use my brain in the way that I did when I knew how smart I was, when my teachers believed in me and I wasn't just simply one of the black kids. When I moved to GA in the middle of my 8th grade year I let the experience break my spirit. I forgot I was smart. My focus stopped being to excel and compete academically. It was to just make high grades with the least possible effort. I carried this attitude from high school onto college and through grad school.

I regret it now, and here I am wishing I could go back and do something better, but now my hands are tied and feet cemented. This path never fit me. That is now apparent, but what else can I do? I carry a lot of responsibility. I can't just break out and change my course. I just feel like I'm dying from the inside out.

This birthday has been the suckiest of them all. If this is what any future birthdays I may have are going to be like, they aren't worth celebrating or acknowledging.