Choose Life

Ian's been home for almost a month now. We are trying to find someone to care for him during the day. After prepping Fluff's daycare provider, giving her updates in Ian's condition and taking him over to the house to meet her, she has made it clear that she doesn't want him at her daycare. I wish she would have said something initially, like when she was telling us she would keep him. Yes he has a g-tube and developmental delays, but he isn't much more difficult to care for than a 'normal' 4 month old infant. To reject him now is just the beginning of all of the rejection he may face in the years to come and for us as parents.

Today ( technically yesterday now), a word kept reoccurring to me: "There is a blessing in choosing life." This resonates with me because for BOTH of my pregnancies, I had a decision to make... One to carry them to term, to allow their little lives to progress as God would have them to, to not terminate or try to undo what God set into motion. This was despite all of the adversity met by both pregnancies, first as an unwed mother (my own personal rendition of Knocked Up, a movie I can no longer find funny) and as a mom afraid to be excited for her little boy... Would I even be able to carry him full term, how many times did I need to visit a doctor or other medical office EACH week? Would we be able to take care of him when he got here?

I tell you, motherhood has been wrought with much suffering, but again, there is a blessing when you choose life. It has not been an easy stance to take, choosing life, but I feel that the rewards have exceeded all of the pain. I have a beautiful little girl who is enamored with her brother. I Am absolutely in love with my son.

Although I lost both of my grandfathers last month within two weeks of each other, God has blessed my family with a beautiful house to rent for less than we would be paying if we had renewed our apartment lease. I'm talkin three bedrooms, gorgeous hardwood floors, a deck, two person jacuzzi tub, etc. Before that, when we were struggling through Christmas season with our hospitalized son and sad families, due to ailing grandparents, my worst Christmas by far, God saw to it that we were provided with a Christmas tree though we couldn't afford one on our own, via our church's generosity. Not only did they give us the tree I wanted, but they gave us the trimmings, groceries to include a turkey, and toys for Fluff, AND some money.

I am still struggling with Hotman's condition and uncertain future, but I choose life. That goes beyond choosing to continue with a pregnancy. I declare that I choose Life through Jesus. He is the ONLY one that can make this earthly life worth living, children, significant others and a rewarding job that you love can only bring you to a certain point in fulfillment, but there is still a part that only God can play.

I feel like I am coming to the end of a life that once seemed sustainable without a close, personal relationship with Jesus. I have tried to be made complete in my occupation, but that's come up short. I can't wrap my identity up in what I do to make a living for my family. Apart from God, the motions I go through are meaningless. It doesn't matter how many people I think I help. It's empty.

I have come to believe that my hours away from my family on a 40 hour per week basis should be spent doing something else. I have been asking God to show me what I should be doing as an occupation. Please be in prayer with me about that. Also pray for Ian's NICU roomie. He has a procedure tomorrow. His mommy has been waiting a long time for him to come home with her.