MRI results & such

Ian's pediatrician gave Doug the MRI results yesterday: There has been no change. The fluid is still there, but not in a greater volume. His ventricles have also not gotten larger. This is good news, but we will have to see what the neurosurgeon says as well. We are hard pressed to put Ian through another procedure if it's not necessary. He went to the audiologist the other day, and they were unable to properly assess his hearing due to a cold and his tiny ear canals. They will have to sedate him at a later date to explore his ears and intervene, if necessary. It's possible that he can't hear very well. We know that he can hear somewhat, because he responds to noises.

Doug brought home 6 boxes of Girl Scout cookies today, to include 2 boxes of thin mints, 3 boxes of Samoas and a box of the new-ish Savannah Smiles. I've told him repeatedly that I am having a difficult time avoiding sweets or consuming them in moderation, but he does not listen. I can't blame him for the fact that I ate an entire box of Thin Mints today, but I would not have bought them for myself knowing that I clearly have a problem. This funk I'm in and food that is not good for me go hand in hand. I'm sure my body has stopped losing weight from the pregnancy and has begun to pack on the pounds.

I can't seem to pull it together at all. I'm not doing well in ANY area of my life, not as a wife, not as a mommy, not at work. I'm missing on all fronts, and I just can't... well I feel like I can't. There is no motivation there. Sure, I have motivation to see and hug my kids, but beyond that I am not doing well. Today I accepted a LinkedIN request from a colleague that works at the same institution. I am thoroughly embarrassed at my profile. I don't feel that I've done anything noteworthy during the four years in my position. How am I supposed to leave if I have nothing to show for it?

I don't have a taste for living at all. When asked what I want to have for dinner or lunch, I can't come up with even the remotest inkling of an idea. You can forget about me meal planning. NOTHING seems good or like something I want to do. If we weren't actually homebound with Ian and able to get out of the house as a family, I'm sure I couldn't think of a destination then. I am just a void, walking around, going through the motions. I don't think you can even call what I do going through the motions, because for lack of a better description, I just "don't." I don't and I can't.

I want so much to break away from everything, and I just can't seem to budge. I feel like I'm in quicksand, getting dragged down deeper every moment into this pit of despair and emptiness. I'm desolate, completely barren with no trace of life or anything to bring forth. Press. On.